
I’ve been posting less because school just started up again. I’m glad to be back (I’m one of those people who like school!) and it’s all overwhelming at the same time. I’ve been confronted with an old issue that I really thought I had eliminated from my life. Fear I am not good enough. Or, as it translates into my academic life, fear that I am not smart enough to succeed in math. It’s a funny fear you know, because it’s not true. At some point back in the day I got the notion that I was bad at math. And that belief has stuck with me for many years, causing agony as I struggled though countless math courses. In reality, I had a few bad teachers, close to non-existent study habits, and such a profound belief that I couldn’t do math that it was almost impossible for me to focus on assignments. I had moments of loving math, of feeling like I could do anything, but they were fleeting — only lasting until something else proved I couldn’t do math.
So I got to college and had really forgotten about my feelings about math. I needed to take it so I started in a pre-calc class.. and royally freaked out. I hadn’t looked at a number in close to three years and the material was moving far too fast for me. I bombed the first test (confirming my belief I suck at math) and dropped the course. I needed to pass it though, so I took it this summer. I had a good teacher and was in a small class. I set myself up for success as much as physically possible, I did my homework, studied, went to office hours, asked questions, etc. And as part of that I had several minor anxiety attacks and one long crying session. …and I got a higher-than average score on the first test. How could that be? I’m supposed to suck at math. My confidence boosted. I continued my assignments, and started to have fun with it.
Second test = second highest score in the class.
Then it really got weird. I started to enjoy my homework and the class. I started to love math. what? me? but you suck at math?
and at the end of the summer, I had a fantastic grade and a love of math. Ah-ha I have proven I am not bad at math! I have won! I have conquered my fear.
So a new quarter and new schedule, I walk into calc one feeling pretty good because I know I am ready and that I can do it. I encounter a class of “intimidating” students (freshmen who took AP calculus!), a really nice professor, and one group worksheet with a topic i have never seen before in my life. and I freak out. I should switch to another class. I’m going to fail! oh my god. my grade in pre-calc must have been a fluke! I’m going to be eaten alive. I can’t do this.
Tonight I had a talk with a close friend and she said quite poignantly, “When are you going to give that up?” there is nothing behind this but fear. the facts only predict that I will in fact be sucessful this class (it’s calculus one, not rocket science). and it’s not bigger than I am. not math. not my fears.
it keeps coming up over and over, the universe is begging me to just handle it already. And, starting today, right now, I know that I am good at math.
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