Hello, Sunshine.

While writing about The 11th Hour, the thing I am really present to in this moment is how much time I have wasted in mourning and upset about my weight and physical appearance, that could have been spent doing much more productive things. I don’t regret it, because it was the process I needed to go through to learn about myself and to grow up in many ways.

At the same time though, as I was watching this movie about how we’re all going to perish if we don’t change our action, I just wanted to be like: who am I to be so selfish and worried about going up a pants size when there is tragedy, famine, destruction, war, and pain all over the world. There are so many things I could be using my mind and resources to accomplish. My little mind’s response would probably retort, “But I am in pain too!” To which I could only concur because it is the truth, though obviously dull in comparison to the pain other people experience on a daily basis.

While part of me wants to scream at myself and many women, “JUST GET OVER IT!” I know it’s not that simple. I believe that empowering women and working through our collective body image issues is very important for the fate of the Earth, because the more powerful women we have, the more will get done! So this is a reminder, and a call to action to all of the incredibly powerful women who are upset and consumed with their bodies. Lord knows I have been there and fall back there some days. I feel that it’s time we start taking action to support others than ourselves despite whatever is occuring in our own minds. Besides, the more one does for others, the more joy and peace will come to them.

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The 11th Hour is both a portrait of a planet and a source of hope and solutions.– Al Gore

Monday night I had the privelege of seeing a pre-release showing of The 11th Hour. Leonardo DiCaprio is one of the producers and the narrator for this film. He includes a panel of world renowned scientists and environmentalists to create a startling picture of the current status of the Earth. The “11th hour” is a figure of speech implying that the final moment is near, and this film communicated clearly that we are not only in the 11th hour, but “it’s 11:59″ as they said in the film. DiCaprio’s film is more entertaining and insightful, though still similar to Al Gore’s environmental film An Inconvenient Truth, that was released a year ago.

The first half of The 11th Hour is grim, discussing global warming and how much of a mess we have created on Earth. The second half is far more optimistic as the authorities discuss changes we can make to halt the current crises and save planet Earth. I liked the fact that the film isn’t merely scolding the American people, but rather a call for creative action. By getting back into harmony, we will benefit our own lives in the process of making positive change to the Earth. I was left feeling deeply inspired to participate and do my part in saving the world.

To see the trailer and find showtimes near you, click here.

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I tend to be an all or nothing girl so it’s frustrating when I don’t maintain the ten steps I took forward, whether it be around diet, exercise, positive thinking, career, body image, orgaization, etc. A friend reminded me though that no matter how far I think I have fallen back, I have still taken one step forward. Even if it’s one half, or .0001th of a step forward, that is still a positive thing.

I’m in a period right now where I feel like I’ve taken several steps back in terms of health and happiness. I’m not where I thought I would be at this age (which is young, but I had expectations none the less), and that can be upsetting. BUT when I look at the bigger picture, when I look at where I am today in comparison to three years ago, I AM in a higher place. It doesn’t look how I might want it to, but for whatever reason it’s working out just fine.

So today I am reminding myself I am taking steps forward, no matter how it may seem.

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I have came accross an interesting post by MamaV where she talks about very young models posing in ads aimed for older audiences. I never noticed this much in the past, but this weekend when I was at the airport, I picked up a few fashion magazines (they’re my little guilty reward during travel). I flipped through them and was surprised by the images. Not only were the models looking more like charicatures of the anorexic stereotype than ever before, but there were many ads where the girls could easily have been under 16. Not this is is wrong in and of itself, it’s the greater picture that these ads are geared towards higher age groups, yet depict young frail models. There is but a small percentage of 15 year old girls who shop at Dolce and Gabbana. Is this what twenty and thirty something women emulate? Adolecent youth?

My point in this post is not to point fingers at the designers, advertisers, and magazines. They are after all only creating images in the hope to sell products and image. Rather I think it’s important to bring light to images such as these, that young girls see daily, as a reminder that they are not reality. And that perhaps as women can further their own source of power, we can begin to create empowering advertisements.

Though it also just reminds me to stay away from beauty magazines. I always have thought, “Oh I can look at beauty magazines. They might influence other girls to want to be different, but I just tune them out.” Yeah right. My subconscious takes in everything I see, so I need to not look at disempowering material. And it really is. Pick up a magazine and earmark every image where a woman in degrated, adolescence is glorified, a model appears significantly under body weight, or beauty is used against the viewer to decrease their self image in a trick to influence them to purchase their product to get that self image back. Perhaps it is time I start bringing books to the airport.

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Things are crazy right now, as I finish my summer class tomorrow, and fly across country on the same day. As the quarter has been building to the final exams, the stress has been getting progressively worse. That means it’s incredibly tempting to lounge in front of my computer during down time reaching for comfort food. I’ve learned though (through MUCH trial and error) that the secret to maintaining balance mentally through such stressful times are to maintain balance in diet and exercise. The physical activity is particularly my savior right now, because as much as I resist it, it’s a place for all that mental stress and aggression to be relieved. I set my alarm much earlier than I would like to, and get straight out of bed and take a fast walk. During this week I even have a friend go with me, making it more fun and a guarantee it will happen. It can be a struggle to make time for it when I have so many important things to do, but I find that on days I exercise I am generally more productive, ultimately accomplishing more.

I’ve also noticed that on mornings when I exercise before an exam, I am significantly more calm and focused, always resulting in a higher score. While I have a pattern of exercising on and off, test days are always about fitness now, even if just a quick walk. I can post more of my tried and true study tips another time.

I’ll have more focused writing time once I’m on break from the world of academia

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I pretend I am above it all

pretend that I don’t care

As if there is a girl alive

without worry to her hair

Look who is all together

every body part in place

yet is the one with clouded eyes

who won’t look you in the face

Why avoid his gaze they say?

As if someone would ask

and penetrate the silent wall

of the confident woman’s mask

If women are perfect at any size

how dare these magazines continue the lies

a promise of self-worth:

thin thighs are the prize

But here is a woman, the exception they say

who won’t dare look at that trash

and yet everyday

she looks in the mirror, and what does she say?

“I am a confident beauty, surely a success

if only that power would show in my breasts

I am a winner, I am a catch

I hate my thighs, I hate my flesh.”

I am the paradox, the exception they’ve said

a smart one — the media won’t get to her head

how silly they are, thinking even the best could escape

as she lay down her worth to the sake of her shape.

(*by yours truly!

I hesitated posting because of the negative overtone, but I think it’s overall important because it’s true.)

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If you found your way over here from my guest post on  back in skinny jeans, you can find the full My Good Body essay here. There are a lot of awesome posts this week that Stephanie is featuring by guest bloggers, I’m enjoying reading the different perspectives. Lots of good stuff!

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Things everywhere that need to be done

Trying again to get back on track

to find my track

Feeling the negative spin on and on

Stress, from the undone

Fears new and old creeping into happy mind

Tummy aches with stress

and numb-ful food choices

Tired, suddenly less-hopeful, suddenly afraid

until i break it

stop it

open eyes

go to bed

smile for tomorrow

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No deep darkness in the world
can overcome the light
a single candle flame will burn
Against the darkest night
let all the world of darkness come
resentment, envy, fear
Then light the single flame of love
and watch the darkness disappear
– Condra Cadle

(a bit sketchy on the author, but according to a guy on myspace, it’s condra cadle!)

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Journal Entry July 2006

The question: what will it take for me to love myself completely?

In the past I have faced life with primarily my outward appearance, making me self-conscious and uncomfortable, either too-attractive or not attractive enough.

Recently I’ve been in a phase deconstructing the old me — reaching a “lowest” — my heaviest weight, feeling sick, feeling insecure and inept in dressing myself, many insecurities — and suddenly it was like - I QUIT. I’m done. This is ME, if I am ugly who cares, I’m more than that. I am beautiful me, with or without the outside package. It is uncomfortable and yet such a relief to reach this place. I see this as the next level of loving myself — completely surrendering to who I am in the present moment.

So the question… What would it take to love myself completely… I feel at a loss for words, nothing brilliant is coming to me. What I am getting when I close my mind is ultimate self-love will come when I relax, when I stop thinking, analyzing, worrying, and instead can just breathe and smile. When I have released this remaining fear, anger, doubt, etc. about myself, as i confront my “demons”, greater love will be present.

Ultimately though I think complete self love is there, and has been there all along. All I need to do is relax, embrace, and live it. As obstacles arise to challenge this, I can deal with it then.

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