Hello, Sunshine.

noon Wake. Drink water. Stumble around

12:15 Rebound on mini-trampoline for a while (in pajamas & sports bra).

1pm Make juice. Or eat fresh fruit (in pajamas).

2pm Watch TV. Sister wakes, joins you.

2:30 Help sister make breakfast

3pm Shower. Dress in something comfortable, or put pajamas back on

3:30 Watch TV. Wake dog from nap. Pet

4pm Snack

5pm Sister naps. Venture outside, decide its too hot, return inside

6pm Snack

7pm Watch TV or sports with Dad. Try not to look bored. Surf web.

8:30pm Eat dinner

9pm Consider calling a friend. Forget while pacing around

9:35 Pet dog. Coo.

10pm Watch TV with sister. Laugh.

2am Bed

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It’s actually chilly tonight, post-rain in the middle of summer heat.. I’m enjoying the fresh air on the patio as I type this. Since Saturday I have been reluctantly relishing the joy of doing nothing. My family has made this quite easy by constantly occupying the vehicles, making it impossible for me to be busy or go anywhere. It’s weird to leave the feverish pace of finals to one that is so much slower.

The school year is complete (for this year anyway)! What an accomplishment. I got my spring quarter grades today online, which makes it truly over. I did better than I had hoped, though not quite to the same standard of my first two quarters. Letting go of perfectionism is one of my lessons recently, so I have ample opportunity to practice in relation to my grades. I did my best, which is really what counts.

Its weird to be home with my family. Thats another story for another day though.  I miss my independence, and I feel like a little kid at moments. It’s also a time of endings and new beginnings, creating what happens next.

I need this break very dearly right now. I’ve been in school for the last five quarters without a break, and it was time to take some time off. I’m going to be busy as the summer continues, so to take several days entirely to myself feels priceless.

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Autumn Quarter is OVER.

This quarter was intense. I am really glad to be finished, and by the time finals rolled around I had only minimal to moderate stress because I was too exhausted to care much. I don’t have my final grades yet but I think it all went well.

The biggest thing that helped with my anxiety was prayer and visualization. Call me crazy, but it works. Every night I would visualize myself studying, taking my tests, and doing very well while remaining calm. I imaged reading questions that I didn’t know how to solve, and working them out (instead of panicking!). And before every test, I would say a prayer. I would ask for help from someone greater than me. While I’m not religious it seemed like the appropriate thing to do.

So i immediately jumped into this four day baby course, giving me little time to kick back… but I’m okay with that. I didn’t wear myself out so much that I feel wiped out. I just feel like I could use some sleep…

All in all: I worked incredibly hard, learned a LOT in both knowledge and about myself, discovered many ways to reduce my test anxiety, tried several new things, and met some interesting people. It was a good quarter.

I will do a celebration dance for a job well done…

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Midterms#2 are COMPLETE. It feels great, though eerie at the same time, as I’m continually checking my planner to see if I’m forgetting to do something. This time around was much smoother than the first. This time I didn’t have any anxiety attacks, and I only cried once. No hives. No unbearable sensations of stress. I felt pressure, and worry, and a degree of fear… but those felt like normal natural feelings. So what’s changed?

In the time since my first round of midterms, I’ve been effectively using my time more wisely and getting a lot done. I have switched to action based mentality, and been successfully not procrastinating. While I still felt like I had a mountain of material to learn for my exams in the several days preceding, I did a better job preparing. Granted I did have a sense of of the professor’s exam style since I already had one under my belt.

I did well on two of the tests, and I haven’t gotten the third one back yet.

I feel like this is a really amazing and unexplored area, of how we can be really successful in the things we’re ALL doing (not just students) and do it without anxiety. I’m keeping a log for future projects.

Bottom line: I feel sane. I feel whole. And I really like being in school.

amazing how much can change in taking almost two years off from college. I have such an appreciation for what I am studying since I have the consciousness to remember that I am choosing to be there.

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Extra credit is offered in my psychology class for students who are willing to participate in graduate research studies. (Of course) I signed up, and have been assigned to a stress diary study. Basically I went with other students for an introduction, and then we’re on our own to fill out daily stress diaries for a few weeks. I have to write about my most stressful daily experience and then rate it from low to high.

It has been quite revealing, because while the study is not for me, I’m fascinated by my own stress levels. (I’m also reminded to diary daily about the positive events, as opposed to the stressful ones, because it really is a powerful marker.) In the past, when I saw a doctor or spoke with people about my life, whenever asked about stress I would chuckle and remark that I didn’t have anything to be stressed about. Yet I notice as I fill these little diaries out, every single day I’m clicking the buttons for “extremely stressful.” Why am I having so many level-ten days of stress? Yikes.

So once I acknowledge the stress, the next level is: err…. what the heck do I do about it (since I don’t like yoga)?

I’m thinking a triple edged approach: 1) manage existing stress, 2) relieve stress, 3) stop worrying so damn much and get over it. I’m taking baby steps and reading up on productivity to implement a great organizational system for myself. I can feel it falling into place. I’m also creating time for play and sleep and fun. And I’m letting go, bit by bit… Certainly a PROCESS though so I’ll keep ya updated on this one.

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One thing I took away from reading Eat Pray Love is a consciousness to fulfill my needs and desires. To seek pleasure in my day to day life and to cherish it and nurture it. Perhaps waking up early and cuddling in the covers with a book instead of jumping out of bed with stress. Or going for a walk when it’s sunny and warm, even though I have a lot of things to do.

Today I’m totally feeling the need for goodness. All I want to do is put on some warm sweatpants and hide in my awesome bed with some tea. I want to watch high quality television and talk to my (hilarious) sister on the phone and laugh. I want to take a hot bath and then put on warm pajamas and eat vegetable soup. I want chocolate and only really nice people. I want comfort.

My nerves are still raw from allowing my body to elevate to such levels of [insane] stress. I want to take care of myself and to rest. To not think. To not worry. I strive to find the balance with nurturing myself in what I need and want, and also getting school work/life work accomplished. I certainly don’t wish that I didn’t have school. Cuddling in bed doesn’t feel nearly as indulgent and fantastic if it doesn’t come after a busy day of productivity. And I’m madly in love with chemistry and everything else I’m studying. I just desire a balance and rhythm to the madness. (I am finding one…I just want it all worked out now!)

Regardless of if my life is in perfect balance, I can savor even the smallest moments to be good to myself, to feel the sun on my face, taste my food, and to melt into the covers each night with a silent “thank you” for my day.

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Many hours, one case of hives, several chocolate bars, three stomach aches, 18 hours of sleep over four days, two anxiety attacks and midterms are over!

I went into this quarter with grand plans to avoid all stress around tests and assignments — and I failed.

I have learned a huge amount about myself in this past week, and a bit about chemistry and math too… but mostly I am aware of many ways I can and should be using my time more wisely. While I certainly studied a lot in the weeks leading up to mid-terms, I think it was more “activity” based than “action” based. What I mean is I made a dramatic point that I-was-busy-because-I-am-studying, but that time that wasn’t always used in an effective manner.

I distinguish now a difference between sitting with a textbook and reading the words, and truly reading it to absorb and learn the material. The latter takes MUCH longer, which is probably why I always skipped it. (You know, in grade school everyone “speed reads” because that is the marker that you’re SMART, even if you don’t have a clue what the heck you just read. Not so smart anymore…)

I survived regardless. Did really well on the chem test. (which was probably the most scary!) the verdict is still out on math, but I have a feeling I might be putting in many extra hours for that this time around… unless the curve saves my ass.

I promise myself I will never ever ever conduct studying in such a manner again, or allow such an unnecessary degree of fear and worry to infiltrate my life.

c’est la vie, and I should probably start preparing for round #2 which starts in three weeks! I bought the book “Getting Things Done” as a friend recommended it to me. Since my exams ended, I’ve taken a few days to sleep, eat, watch tv (online) and relax while organizing my work space. I need to set myself up for success this time around, and I’m excited to do it!

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midterms are here. ahh pressure. it’s a funny thing, because somehow I feel like I get an far more accomplished when I have the pressure compared to when I don’t. anyway, i’m holding it together and haven’t had a freakout thus far. my goal is to have none this quarter! I have just accepted that my apartment will be dirty and certain things will be pushed the the side until after my tests.

here’s my favorite performance ever, of Joss Stone performing “under pressure” at this summer’s Concert for Diana. I have watched this video probably 200 times. I love her energy.

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Despite my recent absence, I’m trying hard to be a good blogger! It just seems that life as I know it is in a shamble and I’m trying to pick up the pieces. Yes, I’m being dramatic, but it really does feel that way. At this moment it feels like life is a mess. Within a very short number of days I feel like school went to crap, my apartment is in pieces, and the looming indecision around certain choices I feel I should make is pressing down on me.

Luckily, I have decided to write a book about all of the above (minus blogging, other people are writing about that much better than I). So, I can view all of this “stuff” as opportunities to get myself into balance and find a flow… or alternatively fight against it, kick and scream, and probably deal with hives and other stress-related illnesses…all for the greater purpose of learning about these things, and ultimately writing about it to share with others. Or, should I choose the latter, I will not write about becoming a great student, but rather about alternative therapies for hives.

This morning I got hives on my arms while sitting in math.

I didn’t even realize I felt so stressed.

And all the while, I keep reading more about the environment and becoming increasingly upset at a very fundamental level about the way we collectively and myself individually live on the planet and use resources. To spare myself from writing a poor environmental lament, I will simply suggest you check out such pro-activists such as No Impact Man, or stop by the library and pick up Michael Pollan’s The Omnivore’s Dilemma: A Natural History of Four Meals (currently what I read for a precious 20 minutes before I go to bed every night).

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