Somehow I’ve never gotten around to writing about this, but for the past year I have been practicing intuitive eating. Many people come to it when they’re sick of diets that don’t work, but I actually never dieted because I already knew they didn’t work. Instead, I was a master of creating detailed “lifestyle projects” that I would pledge to in the hopes of solving all of my problems. It was my own form of perfectionist dieting and overall hell. I was in misery. For several years I was obsessed with fixing my life through my diet, feeling like a constant failure, gradually gaining weight, compulsive eating, binging, and depressed…So, one day I decided to try to get relief from constant misery by trying something I read about on the internet–eat absolutely whatever you want, when you are hungry. It was really quite terrifying, and I didn’t try it until several months after reading about it.
I decided to try quite slowly, and I had every intention of going back to my plan after three weeks. I still had mountains of restrictions on what I would and would not eat, but I let myself buy cookies (wheat free, gluten free, vegan, sugar free cookies). And, as most people do in this process, I ate the whole box. Several times. In fact for months as I loosened the grips, I “ate the world” and basically just watched Fat Rant on repeat to assure myself that it was ok to gain weight, and I would rather gain 10 pounds that feel miserable and binge constantly. I didn’t gain the world though.
The first few months were the hardest. There were ups and downs. Days when I felt happy, relieved, and calm around my meals. And then days where I would eat compulsively or notice my pants being tighter, and feel anger and shame at myself for eating so many “bad” foods. And, I still had a ton of restrictions. Some good (like tested food allergies), and some less good (old habits dying hard). But, I was making baby steps. I would notice the things that would trigger relapses into old habits of devising fancy plans, and try to look at the trigger, instead of the plan.
Today it has been over a year. And, the verdict is that I feel absolutely fantastic! Its a process without a finite finish line where I am free from food issues, but today I feel good. Progress includes: I don’t freak out about my meals and when I’m going to eat next. My weight has stabilized within about a five pound range, and while I still strive to make peace with what I see in the mirror, stability feels really good. I enjoy food again! Sometimes I overeat, sometimes I don’t eat quite enough, but most of the time I feel satisfied with what I ate. Episodes of binging have subsided to rare occurrences, and I can recognize emotional eating more quickly. And sometimes I emotionally eat, but I do it with consciousness and care for the greater emotional issues. I’m significantly nicer in the way I talk to myself, and much more comforting. I am a lot less stressed.
And, it’s still something I work on daily. The negative thoughts and anxiety still appear when I’m presented with “bad” foods. But they come and go more quickly and gently. I think what I love most is enjoying food again. I have embraced the enemy, and now it’s about feeding my desires and nurturing myself. I find that most often, my honest self desires are boring and monotonous (and totally delicious) things.
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