Hello, Sunshine.

about overeating french fries…

“…To make a meditation out of [eating] and eat them consciously without having a secondary entity in your head that says you shouldn’t be eating them. Eat them fully and consciously, and at the same time feel how your body feels while you eat them and after you’ve eaten them. Then you bring some presence into it, and you may realize in some cases that the body doesn’t actually want to eat them. It was the mind that wanted to eat the potato.” –Eckhart Tolle, Week 3 of Oprah’s A New Earth web class

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Pure brilliance.

“Its that I have a masters and then I got married look.”

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In January, as part of my self-care plan, I quit formally exercising. It was a hard mentality to shake off, because I was so used to berating myself for being inconsistent with fitness, it was very weird to have permission to not exercise. Now I am fully aware of both the health benefits of exercise, and the sanity benefits I personally notice, so I never planned to give it up for good…just to give it up until I naturally felt like doing it without any “shoulds” or nasty self-talk.

So this week, I am staying with a friend, who just happens to have a small fitness room in the apartment complex. On Monday I felt compelled to take a trip to the workout room. I was a bit hesitant, but exercise is really about convenience for me, and all i had to do was walk down some stairs. Getting on the treadmill and beginning to walk slowly felt really good. I walked a little faster, and then slowed down again when that felt right. It was a wonderfully liberating experience to be on a treadmill and to experience my lungs clearing, my blood flowing, and my skin sweating just for the sake of doing it. I didn’t focus on the distance covered, calories burned, or what speed I “should” be going. I focused on feeling my body move fast, and then to feel it move less fast. To not be pressuring myself or yelling at my body to do things it doesn’t want to do. Exercise feels amazing!

It is particularly enjoyable when I have given myself permission to only do what feels good. Almost every day since then I have taken some time to go to the exercise room and to move and stretch. I also didn’t go when I didn’t feel like it.

Tonight I had a particularly empowering experience where I went down in the evening to walk for a bit before dinner. I had been studying for finals all day, and I needed to move my body a little bit. So after like three minutes I was NOT feeling it, but I also didn’t feel quite ready to give up. I decided to go until the five minute mark and then stop if I didn’t want to continue. I know that sometimes it takes a minute for exercise to feel good, so I walked faster and into a (slow, incredibly slow) jog. Normally I walk the entire time and jog for about 2 minutes total, just to increase my sweat. But tonight jogging just never stopped feeling good, and I ran for EIGHT minutes. Now… this is significant. For a gal who hasn’t voluntarily run more than two minutes in.. my life? I ran a whole freakin’ lot. The significant part of the story though, is that it felt SO GOOD. Running has always been extremely uncomfortable for me, so I was perfectly happy to never do it. But tonight, to feel my body actually like something that I have always believed that I wasn’t capable of doing. Well, that was just extraordinary.

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I tend to get a tremendous urge to write whenever I have finals and exams looming overhead. It’s also a time where I suddenly find motivation to clean (particularly small nooks, crannies, and high shelves), write love letters, watch movies, make intricate recipes with exotic ingredients, and re-arrange drawers. It is a really wonderful feeling to reach final exams, because it means classes are finished, I get to sleep in, and I am just hours away from being done (in this case, for the whole freaking summer). But it’s also a time when resistance digs its claws in, and unnatural motivation must be summoned for each study hour.  Freedom and relaxation are so close I can taste it, why would I want to study?

I don’t have a recipe for success to handle the ants-in-your-pants-jumping-out-of-your-skin for summer situation, unfortunately. If I did, I probably wouldn’t be writing this at all and I would be studying for statistics. What I can say though, which actually works for me, is that the best thing to do is to honor the intense desire to be finished, and let that fuel you through finals. You can’t really fight it, resistance is futile. But by giving in to the joy at the end of the road, that can charge you through all of the reading, writing, and studying that must occur in order to be done.

With that, I am back to the books.

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I went to the dentist yesterday, who told me I have a LOT of cavities. As someone who goes to the dentist twice a year, brushes religious, and flosses every single day- I feel really upset about this. Partly it was the manner with which this particular dentist dealt with me, and partly it was feeling like I had let myself down in some way.

Over the past year, I ended my strict raw vegan diet, and have taken time to learn to eat intuitively and honor my needs. I eat whatever I desire, and I feel great. It felt like a huge kick in the teeth (pun intended) that just as I am celebrating living a town over from Crazyville, I get the news that part of my body is “deficient”. Now everyone has their beliefs about their teeth, and I am one who believes that our diets strongly influence the status of our teeth. Particularly as the hygienist is cleaning my teeth going, “…Such clean teeth! I don’t see how a girl with such clean teeth and no plaque has so many cavities!” It gets complicated here because health is complex. Firstly, I am seeking a second opinion. This dentist was an absolute jerk and had appalling patient discourse. He essentially told me there was no reason whatsoever for the status of my teeth and that I was doomed to having “major reconstructive problems for the rest of my life.” Secondly, after I have these cavities and issues filled and resolved (ELSEwhere), how do I prevent further issues? I refuse to accept for one second that I am “doomed.” Granted it seems I have inherited certain tooth genetics, and after talking to my mom she has had many similar issues. But genetics are NOT the final answer. I am certain there are things that I can do, in addition to maintaining excellent hygiene, to improve the health of my teeth.

So, the question that I am asking myself is how do I improve my diet, i.e. make sure that I am getting the minerals and vitamins for strong bones and teeth, while maintaining a healthy relationship with food far away from Crazyville?

It seems so easy in my head. Just drink more vegetable juice and eat less sugar! But the whole foundation of my progress this year has been no rules. If I don’t feel like making juice, I don’t do it. If i want sugar, I have it. Perhaps this is the start of phase two, where after asking my body what it wants, I ask my teeth what they need. A whole new discourse in self-care of truly checking in with my heart and head, and continue on. It is definitely an opportunity to revitalize and improve my health.

I also felt a whole wave of anger with western medicine yesterday, as I sat in this dentists office feeling utterly helpless. He delivered very upsetting (and expensive) information with no useful explanation, nor any suggestions whatsoever for preventing further problems. I can only imagine how people must feel when a doctor behaves in the same manner, sharing news of a much more upsetting nature than mine. The most challenging aspect is feeling like the doctor completely disconnected me from my body. After I got home, it took several hours and a long talk with my mom to get back to my body. No matter what a dentist or doctor says, it is still MY body, they are MY teeth. And I need to remember that, and to stay connected to myself. While I do feel pulled back into the world of “fixing” my life through my food, I am compelled to stay strong in eating intuitively. I know that I can increase the vitamins and minerals in my diet, and not get sucked back into the world of weight watching.

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Somehow I’ve never gotten around to writing about this, but for the past year I have been practicing intuitive eating. Many people come to it when they’re sick of diets that don’t work, but I actually never dieted because I already knew they didn’t work. Instead, I was a master of creating detailed “lifestyle projects” that I would pledge to in the hopes of solving all of my problems. It was my own form of perfectionist dieting and overall hell. I was in misery. For several years I was obsessed with fixing my life through my diet, feeling like a constant failure, gradually gaining weight, compulsive eating, binging, and depressed…So, one day I decided to try to get relief from constant misery by trying something I read about on the internet–eat absolutely whatever you want, when you are hungry. It was really quite terrifying, and I didn’t try it until several months after reading about it.

I decided to try quite slowly, and I had every intention of going back to my plan after three weeks. I still had mountains of restrictions on what I would and would not eat, but I let myself buy cookies (wheat free, gluten free, vegan, sugar free cookies). And, as most people do in this process, I ate the whole box. Several times. In fact for months as I loosened the grips, I “ate the world” and basically just watched Fat Rant on repeat to assure myself that it was ok to gain weight, and I would rather gain 10 pounds that feel miserable and binge constantly. I didn’t gain the world though.

The first few months were the hardest. There were ups and downs. Days when I felt happy, relieved, and calm around my meals. And then days where I would eat compulsively or notice my pants being tighter, and feel anger and shame at myself for eating so many “bad” foods. And, I still had a ton of restrictions. Some good (like tested food allergies), and some less good (old habits dying hard). But, I was making baby steps. I would notice the things that would trigger relapses into old habits of devising fancy plans, and try to look at the trigger, instead of the plan.

Today it has been over a year. And, the verdict is that I feel absolutely fantastic! Its a process without a finite finish line where I am free from food issues, but today I feel good. Progress includes: I don’t freak out about my meals and when I’m going to eat next. My weight has stabilized within about a five pound range, and while I still strive to make peace with what I see in the mirror, stability feels really good. I enjoy food again! Sometimes I overeat, sometimes I don’t eat quite enough, but most of the time I feel satisfied with what I ate. Episodes of binging have subsided to rare occurrences, and I can recognize emotional eating more quickly. And sometimes I emotionally eat, but I do it with consciousness and care for the greater emotional issues. I’m significantly nicer in the way I talk to myself, and much more comforting. I am a lot less stressed.

And, it’s still something I work on daily. The negative thoughts and anxiety still appear when I’m presented with “bad” foods. But they come and go more quickly and gently. I think what I love most is enjoying food again. I have embraced the enemy, and now it’s about feeding my desires and nurturing myself. I find that most often, my honest self desires are boring and monotonous (and totally delicious) things.

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so I cannot properly introduce this video and how clever I think it is…. so here you are — pure brilliance

(via Kate Harding)

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I’m going to start posting about college/ending high school from time to time. I really wish I had had someone sane to talk to during the college application process. I recall everyone in my senior class flipping out over it, filled with indecision and worry. There is a lot of fear of making the wrong choices, so I would like to share some of my experiences and insights having survived the application process and as a happy college student.

-choosing a college isn’t that big of a deal. It might seem like you’re committing to marry an institution for the next four years, but the reality is that MANY people transfer. I did. So did all of the girls in my group of friends from freshman year. It’s a pain, but I can say every single one of us is happier at our current schools.  It can be really hard to know a school before attending it. Tours, overnights, and talking to students all certainly help, but you can’t know a school until you’ve attended it. That said, choose the place you resonate with most, and understand its not a big deal to change your plans.

-do you WANT to go to college? Thats a loaded question for most kids who are financially able to attend university, because we have this whole notion that a degree is an absolute must to ever have a job. That is certainly true if you desire a traditional job. But is a traditional job for you? Does college make you cringe? Is it the last thing you want to do? If that is you, consider the fact that not everyone has to go to school, or start immediately after finishing high school. If thoughts of college make ya nauseous, consider these ideas:

• Look into less traditional schools. Lecture halls with 300 students aren’t for everyone, and there are some great schools where that isn’t the norm. For example, Hampshire (Massachusetts) and Evergreen State College are examples of schools where each student designs their own curriculum and is are graded with written evaluations, not letter grades. My older sister went to Hampshire and she said that she was much more prepared for graduate school with everything she had learned working independently there. Also schools like Oberlin, Vassar, The Eugene Lang New School for Liberal Arts, Reed, and many others are worth looking into.
• Consider taking a year abroad before starting college. I know many students who have done this, and I couldn’t recommend it more. Going abroad is life-altering, and it’ll allow you to grow up, and find more possibilities. When I was abroad, I found a wider scope of possibility for myself; once I was out of my little home bubble, I saw that there are lots of amazing people and cool opportunities out there.
• Take a gap year and get a job. Being in the real world is a huge opportunity to see what you want to do, and what credentials you will need to accomplish it.
• Is college not for you? That is certainly possible. I know several very successful individuals who don’t have a degree. They are highly motivated, goal oriented people though. But you could be a chef, write books, teach classes, be a motivational speaker, and run your own business without a degree. This option is definitely not for everyone, but I like to remind people it exists. Keep in mind though, that even if its the right path for you, skills such as writing and basic math are extremely important so a few college classes would probably be useful.

If you definitely WANT to go to school, but you just don’t know where that is perhaps a trickier situation:

•  Ask yourself what you love, right now. If you imagine this past week, when were you happiest (nont including sleeping, tv, or the weekend)? When someone asked me this question during my senior year of high school, I stared at her for several minutes unable to find anything. Until I saw the sole time — during French class. It was the only thing in school that I loved. So I based by college search around French, and study abroad opportunities. It is not what I’m doing now, but it was where I had to start. If you start with what you love, and stay committed to following what you love, you will find your best school, best degree, and best job. So find the thing you think you love most, and research that, pursue that.
• Think about logistics. It may sound cliche, but thinking about where you will be most comfortable is essential. Do you want to stay close, or get away? If you imagine a big school, would you find it comforting to have a degree of anonymity or do you want everyone to know your name? Are you overwhelmed by  crowds? Do you want to be able to live off campus, do you want to stick with a meal plan, do you want to be able to provide your own food? Think about what you want, because every college has different options for its students. Some schools are very isolated, some very urban. It’s important to find your comfort zone.
• Talk to as many people as possible. Talk to people who went to the school, or ideally who attend it currently. Ask them the questions that you have. Talk to their advisers, and find out more about their programs and opportunities.

Mostly, I would just encourage students to find somewhere they feel happy. To follow their joy. It might seem ideological, but it works. All of the wildly successful and happy people that I know follow this principle. Feel free to ask any questions by e-mail or comments and I’ll happily respond.

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I have received some requests for the recipes from photos I posted a while back, which I am happy to share. I tend to be really off the cuff when I work in the kitchen, so the suggestions are just guidelines, but here you go.

To make a raw zucchini pasta, you start with fresh raw zucchini or yellow squash. I tend to make this dish spring through fall, mostly when zucchini are abundant. Depending on the size, I usually estimate about one medium zucchini per person. Then, you’ll need a saladacco or other spiralizing machine. I got mine from amazon:

This step is pretty quick, and if they’re organic I usually leave the peel on. If I want it to look more like traditional pasta, I peel it. Once it is spiralized, I like to massage it with some sea salt, and then let it strain for an hour. If I’m short on time, I skip this step. So, now you have your pasta.

[image from massdistraction via their flickr]

For the sauce:

• 1 cup soaked sun-dried tomatoes (squeeze the water out)
• 1/2 cup fresh chopped tomatoes (squeeze any extra water out)
• 1/4 cup olive oil
• Sea salt, pinch cayenne pepper
• 1 slice of onion
• 1 tsp lemon juice
• fresh oregano, basic, thyme to taste
• squeeze of raw agave nectar

In a food processor, pulse both the tomatoes together. Add all the herbs and condiments (including the onion). Blend the olive oil in while the food processor is blending. Adjust seasonings to taste. Use these as guidelines, and adjust as you please! Serve right away and enjoy the best pasta ever

[p.s. If you’re looking for the recipe for the yummy looking pie in the original post, I never wrote it down! It was a spontaneous creation, so I have no recipe to post here.]

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[I read this poem yesterday, and it struck a deep chord — after 5x it’s still developing meaning. Soo I suggest multiple reads. Enjoy!]

Sometimes from sorrow,
for no reason
you sing.
For no reason,
you accept the way of being lost,
cutting loose from all else and electing a world where you go where you want to.
Arbitrary, sound comes,
a reminder
that a steady center is holding all else.
If you listen, that sound will tell you where it is
and you can slide your way past trouble.
Certain twisted monsters always bar the path-
but that’s when you get going best,
glad to be lost,
learning how real it is
here on the earth,
again and again.

William Stafford

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